Finding You

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Today’s focus shifts to after the divorce is final, also known as post decree. There’re lots of topics to cover in a postdecree situation, but one that has been on my mind recently is finding a new special someone. The reason why it had surfaced is due to the question I often get asked by family and friends: ‘So you think you’ll ever marry again?’ For the sake of being professional, I will translate my actual thoughts and responses to that question into something less offensive! ‘Absolutely not!’ I would say. But I’d go on to tell them, ‘I’ve been married twice already, so I’ve done my time, thank you very much!’ I don’t even want to say, ‘third times a charm’. That only works in certain situations. I did find an easy answer that no one would question much: ‘I don’t know.’

Even after being divorced for almost a year, I still don’t have a definitive answer nor an end game. Some of my close friends and family have said to me, ‘well, you being single is no different. He was never around.’ Although it was the Army that resulted in him not being around, it rang true; but it was the lifestyle we agreed upon. So in essence, the adjustment from married to single life had little effect on me. They’re just labels and words at that point; business as usual. If you read my ‘Party of One’ article, you can see how it had affected me. But does that mean I’m going to try to seek out someone to fill that void? Absolutely not!

Here’s the thing. Everything was centered around the soldier’s career. Where you lived wasn’t up to you. The family moved wherever the orders stated. In our case, my ex was able, at times, to write his own ticket and decide on a location. For instance, we agreed I’d stay in Florida with our son, while my ex took an assignment up north. Before that, I would at times be a stay-at-home mom while managing the bills, raising my son, taking care of whatever house we lived in, coordinating PCS moves, packing, unpacking, leaving friends, making new ones. It wasn’t my life anymore, it belonged to the Army. Hey, don’t get me wrong, I was ok with that. I lived in some very nice places and made lifelong friends. No regrets there. But as time progressed, I came to the realization that this wasn’t for me. And I didn’t know who I was anymore. I felt like I gave the Army my best years, and now I want them back. I had to do that in the form of a dissolution of marriage. However, I want to point out that there were many other reasons why I had to get out of this marriage.

After all was said and done, I viewed this as an opportunity to find myself again. So the thought of getting married a third time, let alone getting to know someone all over again, just doesn’t appeal to me. How can I get to know someone else if I don’t get re-acquainted with myself? My focus is not only having a good relationship with my son and making the best life for him, but to rediscover who I am and who I want to be. I have to say, it’s been a year and I’m only now starting to figure that out, with more to go. So my answer to that question next time someone asks would be, ‘check back with me in a couple of years, then maybe I’ll have a solid answer.’

My final thoughts: Don’t rush. Enjoy your alone time even though it sucks sometimes. Pursue your passions. Make the best life for your kids if you have them. But you know how this goes: when you’re not looking for something, you’ll eventually find it.

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